FORGIVENESS.

Personally I don’t really know what to tell you. Just like you I am an imperfect being. I have been hurt more times than I can count.

Be aware that this article does revolve around a Biblical stance on forgiveness as this is my way of processing some things that recently happened to me. As some one that grew up in a Christian house it was important for me to work through the events of the past year from a biblical perspective.

Whether, Heathen, Christian, Atheist, religious or not let face it, unless you have been living under a rock, there is not a person in this world that has not had to forgive someone for one trespass or another.

A co-worker targeting you with malicious intent. A neighbor robbing you blind. A friend offending you amidst a debate. Being taken advantage off again and again but the same person. A spouse or partner cheating on you. The list goes on and on. And if need be we can go a lot darker. Having been violated (raped or molested), Having a loved one killed in an accident or by premeditation.

At a glance some of these things looks easier than others to forgive but in the end its all the same.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness meaning: “The action of or process of forgiving or being forgiven.” – “stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake.”

To forgive: “To let go of anger and resentment and give up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered.”

Sounds so simple. When we have been wronged by someone we all understand that we need to forgive and move on and sometimes its a simple act. But other times its not.

The bible says there are no big or small sins. All sins are forgiven equally, which begs the question, “why do we find forgiveness so hard at times?.”

Interestingly enough, we are taught to forgive from an early age. We are told that if we don’t forgive we also will not be forgiven by God. And thus we will burn in hell.

What forgiveness is not.

More than a few times I have found myself faced with this conundrum. “Is forgiving not just condoning the “wrong” that has been committed against you?”

Taking offence.

There is about a million ways people can be offended nowadays. Honestly, some things are simply ridiculous and unnecessary. Most of the time it’s a matter of communication and misunderstanding.

And this is important. Offence is always taken – never given.

There are exceptions of course. When someone makes a deliberate rude remark with the intent to hurt or offend. But it is up to you to discern intention.

I firmly believe in any such situation, to give the offender the benefit of the doubt. Its important to realise that backgrounds, values and morals differ. But in that case you need to communicate. Don’t stay quite and let resentment fester. State your feelings.

For example: You and a friend is discussing politics, religion, world views, basically any difficult topic that can easily lead to conflict.

If is a good conversation at some point your view might differ, and things are said that offends one or the other. It is important to evaluate. Whether intentional or not, in heated debate things can be said that hurts. You might feel the friendship needs to end – but its truly then better to discuss the feelings and perceptions.

Eight out of ten times you will find that the perception and reality differ and you will get an honest and sincere apology. It will be unlikely that the situation will reoccur. People in general bad at emotional awareness. But being made aware they will take it into account for future reference.

But when someone is deliberately in there words and actions. Intentionally trying to cause emotional or physical harm – Do not make excuses for them. Do not give them a chance to explain or apologise. They know what they doing. They do not care about your view or perspective.

Is an apology always owed?

Now this is the part where we as humans tend to miss the plot completely. You do not need someone to apologise, to tell you that they hurt you. To give you permission to feel the way you do. This much is true although the concept that apologising is giving you permission for your feelings is wrong.

Apologising is merely acknowledging with regret a wrong doing. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Here my feeling is that if the offence is intentional, yes you are owed an apology. But you can be sure that the chances are slim to none that you will get it.

But hear my clearly on this. Do not be a hypocrite. If you are on the other side of this, before you demand apologies, go make sure you have sought forgiveness from all the people you have intentionally wronged.

What is the purpose of forgiveness?

“Forgiving someone does not mean letting them back into your life. It doesn’t mean you should trust them again.”

This part is quite simple. Its about relationship.

Think about this before you argue with me.

There exist the mentality “Forgiving someone does not mean letting them back into your life. It doesn’t mean you should trust them again.” And its a valid point. For all intents and purposes you are more than welcome to hold a grudge for as long as you like.

But what if God had that same attitude. “I will forgive you, but we are done. I want nothing to do with you. The sin you committed is too much to ever have a relationship with you again and there for you are effectively condemned for all eternity”

So what now? Where thus that leave us? After all, its ludicrous to think people can just change. Madness to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Matthew 18:21-22: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Jesus goes on to tell the parable of the unforgiving servant…

Even if you give some one a second change, if you don’t forgive what been done, the relationship can not be restored. For the other side of things; for there to be forgiveness, terms and conditions must be met.

Forgiveness and “Forgiveness”

Do not confuse the two, they are NOT the same things. There just isn’t a word in any language that can differentiate the two.

The Bible refers a lot to us as humans forgiving each other and people tend to harp on that. They will preach that you must forgive and forget because God forgave us. Here’s the rub; they forget the fine print.

They argument stands “Jesus died for our sins. All is forgiven. I can do what ever I want.”

NO!

There was terms and conditions to being forgiven. You can not do what ever you want and expect forgiveness.

A. Forgiveness

This one comes with terms and conditions. This requires more than a apology. It requires repentance. I.e “feel or express sincere regret or remorse about one’s wrongdoing or sin.” and to show remorse you do not intend on doing it again. Does not mean an offence will not reoccur. But it does demand that you do everything in your power to try and not “sin” again.

From the old to the new testaments every person that sinned against God was required to repent of there sin before they could be forgiven.

We as humans are allowed the same courtesy, are we not?

But terms and conditions apply.

Acts 3:19 “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”

1 John 1:19 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

So then, why do people insist that you need to forgive with out the terms being met. Its simple, because we know when we hurt people. Unless you are a psychopath or a sociopath for that matter, you know when you do wrong. People don’t what want to take responsibly, they want to be forgiven and not held accountable for there actions. They want to hurt you and they want you to get over if with the snap, so they can come back and do it again and again.

A husband that cheats once made a mistake. A man that cheat over and over again doesn’t care about the partner he hurts. They bully at work enjoys pushing you around and belittling you. They do not care if your mental heath fails as a result.

There is no excuse if you are not working on the issues that caused you to hurt people unintentionally. If you are not trying to improve. You don’t have to apologise. But if you do not the relationship is gone. Whether you are given a second change or not.

B. “Forgiveness”

“Live and let God.”

That’s what is basically boils down to. It also makes room for the argument to cut people out of your life if need be.

Its not the same thing as forgiving someone. Its moving on from bitterness and resentment. Letting go of any claim to justice or restitution to be made.

In this case the terms and conditions are not met for forgiveness to occur and the relationship can not be restored. But you as a person need to move on and let go some how.

Psalm 4:4 “Tremble and do not sin, when you are on you beds, search your heart and be silent.” I have always read this as “You can feel how you feel but do not act on it. Vengeance will get you nowhere.

Malakai 4:1 And this is taken heavily out of context: “Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and the day that is coming will set them on fire.”

Psalm 55:15 “Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the realm of the dead, for evil finds lodging among them.”

Deuteronomy 32:35 – “ It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”

It gives me comfort to know that nothing i can do to an enemy can compare to what God will reign on them. Those who have hurt me will suffer for there crimes against me. God/ the universe/karma – what ever – will take care of it. All I have to do is heal form what’s been done. It not an easy journey. Its hard and you will have set backs, I know this; I have had plenty.

But also to leave an enemy to God, to deal with, it subjugates them to God’s terms and conditions. It they do not want to apologize to you and ask your forgiveness (that can be gotten even with insincerity- as humans are naive and want to forgive) they have to make peace with God, who will not forgive unless they repent. Cruel as this sounds, if you hurt some one on purpose, no matter how good a person you are,

How do you know if you have truly forgiven some one.

If terms and conditions are met, its easy. You know you have truly forgiven someone when you can let them back in without ever referencing past hurt full events again. When you barely think of the wrongs done to you and are no longer triggered by evens in the future.

When terms and not met its harder. And honestly I believe this will be different for every one that has ever had to forgive someone. It takes longer and there is a sense that there is a lack of closure of the matter. I don’t know if you ever get to a point where you are not triggered because the pain is never resolved.

You have to let go without knowing if the person was punished by some higher power. If they will burn in hell (should you feel they deserve if) or if they found redemption along the way. I will let you know when I figure it out. I suppose many “Christian” teachers will have there own opinions on the matter. I believe however that you will feel it in your soul.. you will be at peace with the evens of the past.

Personally I still have a long way to go before I get there. At the moment the best I can do is not wishing I’ll upon them. The people from work I will even be willing to help, should they bother to ask and the neighbor that robbed me blind, I will pray for justice, but leave it at that. His life after being convicted is pretty much going to be hard enough. I will never understand what i did to deserve there hatred or betrayal, but it happened and at the end of the day I have to answer for my own sins. On this the bible is pretty clear as well

1 Peter 3:9 – “Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing”

In other words for the non believer: Keep your karmic slate clean, lest you call upon yourself the evil you wish upon others (this is a conversation for another day)

Conclusion.

Forgiveness is hard and what ever religion you subscribe to, its needed for you to restore and build relationships. On the other hand its needed as part of the healing process. On the other hand its needed as part of the healing process. It’s important to let go of the darkness that surrounds the events of being hurt. The events of the past can not be undone. We have to live with what’s been done and the results of other peoples actions. And that is in the end the part that is the hardest to get over. Paying for other people sins. But if we are faithful the lord is faithful and we will be restored in the end.