Walking Away

It was when I realized I couldn’t win that i knew the only way out was to walk away. There is power and freedom in walking away. Its not weakness to know when you have lost a battle. When the enemy is your superiors and you have no defense. When you wake up everyday not sure how to make it through the day. When you are going home crying every night for a year because for some unholy reason your boss is threatened by your abilities.
This is when you walk away. Of course getting HR involved was an option but when you get told practically everyday how you are useless and can’t be trusted, how can you be sure you have a case. To be constantly insulted and that in front of the manager and the manager said nothing. things said that I needed to be available 24/7 because I was the senior. Something I was not being paid for. To ask pointblank if i was allowed to have a live outside the company and to be accused of lying when I had plans outside my working ours and a junior being the one to accuse me in front of the boss. And when i started to fight back the meeting was halted.

I was under constant scrutiny and to make matters worse the stress was causing me to make mistakes that was inconvenient for my other colleagues but never insurmountable. How many of their mistakes had I not cleaned up over the years without saying a word, but they expected ME to be perfect. By the end i had accusation of sabotage against me. I was forced into a “cover your ass” mentality. Constant fight mode.

Walking away was not easy. I gave up a lot in this fight. But for a year I fought for my job and it was costing me more to stay than to go.
I probably could have handle things better. But I confided in my boss and she did nothing. Just piled on that the conflict was my fault. “Your the only she has a problem with so it must be you that has the problem”. I was the one who held the title the little Stacey wanted. And the boss didn’t want me as her Second in charge. She wanted her friend. And so began the plot to get rid of me. I do not think they consciously or actively plotted against me. But to have a junior scream at me about things that had nothing to do with her, and the bosses simple response be “I’m not on the floor, I cannot monitor it.” and this was over one or two signatures that would be fixed in time. And to question me on my knowledge of the job and the SOP’s when neither of them new what is in the SOP. How was I not targeted.

When Margret wanted to hire her bestie I was supportive. I raised my concern to the fact that she might be gunning for my job. In November when I was sick of the animosity towards me I raised the concern again and was told that I am jealous. My level of caring about their relationship was so non-existent that this allegation was laughable. Stacey was jealous of my relationship with Margret. Stacey was the one with Mommy issues, abandoned by her own mother.

They would have fired me had not walked away from them. Or worse. By the time the conflict had reached its climax I had considered suicide for only the second time in my life. I stood with the means in hand. I was ready to die. But then, just like the last time I was reminded. This is not my fault. And there was a way out.

I drafted my resignation that day and started applying for jobs at other branches. My salvation came from another branch in the company. Someone that deems me worthy. Someone that understood what I was going through.

It would mean a step down and a pay cut but my mental health was more important.

The sacrifice was well worth it. Despite the personal challenges that came with the move I found my peace again. To be fair its going to take time to get past and repair the damage they did to my psyche. To rebuild my confidence and for me to trust myself again but I will get there.

Its important to know. To see the signs. When its time to let go and stop fighting. This applies to each and
every conflict situation that can occur in life. Work, friendship even marriage. You have to risk the conflict to risk the relationship for there to be growth. But to know when the conflict can not be resolved is key.
Knowing when to walk away is crucial. True it might feel like giving up. Surrendering to the will of someone else. Like you failed. But this is NOT true. You are making a choice to do what’s best for you. The end.